Dying Isn’t Fun
Benjamin Franklin cautioned us that neither death nor taxes were avoidable. What we can control is how we approach death, for ourselves and with our loved ones. Evan Krame the lawyer of 40 years and Evan Krame the rabbi of seven years, both contributed to this series of posts to help you think about preparing for the least pleasant part of living.
Death makes for awkwardness. Most of us hardly know what to say when someone is dying or to the family when someone has died. Following are some guidelines for those most difficult moments.
- Use the word death. Forget the euphemisms. They don’t help. If you use the word death it frees up those grieving to be more transparent.
- Use words appropriate to the moment. I have found the best thing I can say to a mourner is “this sucks.” It is just irreverent enough to break through the formality of the moment and still acknowledges the pain.
- You can offer guidance but don’t make suggestions. For example, you might believe that Elisabeth Kubler-Ross book “On Death and Dying” is the best written on the topic. However, don’t tell someone in grief what they should read. Rather, you might share that there are books that have helped you when grieving. If they want the names, they will ask.
- The same goes for movies, television or plays. Don’t give advice on what to watch.
- Everyone grieves differently. You should not say “you must feel awful” or “you are really strong.” Those kinds of presumptions can be difficult to hear.
- Leave God out of it. A person of faith already has a connection to God. A person who is deeply hurt may be blaming God in some fashion. And someone who has set faith aside does not want to hear about God.
- But make it holy. You can offer uplifting comments like “I was blessed to know them.”
- Do not ask “how are you doing?” The answer should be obvious.
- Do not ask “what can I do to help?” Rather, pull out your calendar and say I’m going to call you to check in, or I’m free next Thursday and available.
I will continue to offer insights about end of life and grieving, both legally, spiritually and emotionally.
Evan J. Krame
